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Distant Military Dad Doles Out Discipline, Disappointment

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Cougar: A stern and threatening voice from the desert

(Amarillo, TX) Lance Corporal James Cougar knew when he received his deployment orders to Iraq just days after Christmas that the physical and emotional distance of war would put an immense strain on his family.

Cougar was especially worried about his 4-year-old son Zeke—who has already started to display behavioral problems—until he was struck by ingenious plan: each week he could upload a stern, judgmental podcast to keep his son “from being a goddamn brat” and therefore continue to share parental responsibilities with his wife Linda.

“At first I didn’t know what to do when I was re-upped, especially since Zeke’s behavior was total shit around the holidays,” Cougar reflected. “And then one day, outa nowhere, I got the idea to upload these like…like, discipline podcasts. Now my boy can still hear me scold him every night before bed.”

Linda Cougar echoed her husband’s sentiments, revealing that it has restored order and balance to their otherwise turbulent daily rituals.

Zeke Cougar: Slowly getting his shit together

“Zeke was a nightmare after Coug left, and it was a struggle, day-in and day-out, to simply get him to and from pre-school, let alone finish his dinner and brush his teeth before story-time,” Ms. Cooper stated. “This week we’re on our third podcast, though, and I can already see a huge improvement. When Zeke hears his father’s voice saying, ‘I’m really pissed at you, act like a big boy,’ it changes his whole demeanor. Thank God for technology.”

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The trials and tribulations of another American family torn apart by war...

Sniff. :=(
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