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Fred Savage Secretly Wishes His Life Ended at Thirteen

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Savage: Where Has Your Cuteness Gone, Long Time Passing?

(Los Angeles, CA)—Fred Savage, child star of the early nineties sitcom “The Wonder Years,” admitted earlier this morning that he secretly wished that he had died as a preteen rather than endure the slow, arduous slide into Hollywood failure.

Savage spoke candidly about his professional demise in an exclusive phone interview with the National Nitwit from his California home.

“I fucking had it made, brother,” Savage remarked while arduously chewing a mouthful of oyster crackers. “We had the best show on television, made millions — and that chick who played Winnie Cooper? Yeah, I totally touched her boobs one time. My last gig was doing voice-overs for 'Kim Possible.' And yes, I know you’ve never heard of it, since it’s a goddamn after-school cartoon on the Disney Channel.”

Savage shared some symbolic ways in which he could have gracefully passed on rather than toil in the purgatory of forgotten celebridom.

“I’ve never said this publicly, but we had a script for the final episode of ‘The Wonder Years’ where Kevin Arnold died in a horrific car accident,” Savage remarked. “We should have filmed that, and had it be a real accident—shattering glass, squealing tires, blood dripping from Kevin's outstretched arm. Or maybe I could have been shot by some deranged fan, and there could have been a candle ceremony in my honor and a national day of mourning. I’d be right up there with James Dean instead of directing the cinematic abortions like ‘Daddy Day Camp.’”

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