National Nitwit

A National Nitwit Special Report

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

In this age of terrorism, digital media, and global economies, most Americans can barely keep up with the pace of life. Indeed, many struggle to find time for family and friends amidst the hectic tempo of the “daily grind.”

Wind River Reservation Cemetery, Wyoming: desolate as a motherfucker

One byproduct of this whiplash cultural velocity is that many folks have completely forgotten about the plight of American Indians, who, for nearly three centuries, have been relegated to destitution, depression, and alcoholism on bleak, inerrable reservations. And according to a recent investigation by the National Nitwit, reservations suck just as bad—if not worse—than they did a hundred years ago.

“Oh man, does this place suck,” remarked John Hawkfeather, one of the 5,000 Arapaho who meagerly subsist on the Wind River Reservation in Wyoming. “My brother Vince blew his brains out back in ’97, my sister Alice will fuck anything that moves, and most of my days are spent selling Sacagawea t-shirts to middle schoolers on field trips. This country like, genocided my forefathers, and I can’t even get a loan to attend community college.”

Other members of the tribal community echoed Hawkfeather’s drab assessment of the native condition.

“For most folks, a sucky day is if their server goes down at work, or they get in an argument with their spouse,” remarked Becky Lake, one of the small but proud number of Eastern Shoshone at Wind River. “But we live in the goddamn desert. You know those tumbleweeds you see in westerns? Pal, that shit blows past my house everyday. Last week, our only goat strangled himself by tangling up his tether. Talk about symbolism. God, this place sucks.”

And given the history of federal ambivalence to the American Indian community, one is left to wonder if any concrete, positive change lay in the foreseeable future.

Left: Senator Craig L. Thomas: “Indians can suck my old wrinkled balls”

American legislators are also beginning to notice the problems faced by many who live on these sucky reservations.

“You know, Indians complain a lot about how reservations suck, but what are they doing for themselves?” retorted Wyoming senator Craig L. Thomas, his hands jittery from age. “For Christ’s sake, we stopped sending the cavalry after ‘em years ago, and they get their allotment of powdered milk and government cheese just like the blacks. So forgive me if I don’t see the problem here. All this gorgeous desert land in Wyoming, and they’ve squandered it—case closed. If there’s anything that sucks here, it’s that these red devils don’t have an attitude of gratitude.”

Labels: Craig L. Thomas, Indians, Native Americans, reservations