National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Falwell: Preacher, politician, lover of own portrait and dong

(Lynchburg, VA)—Jerry Falwell, the conservative evangelical preacher whose name has become synonymous with fundamentalist Christian movements such as the Moral Majority, died of a brain aneurysm earlier this afternoon with his cock in his mouth. The reverend was 74.

According to sources at Liberty University—the evangelical liberal arts college Falwell established in 1971 that remains the most expensive fourth-tier institution in the South as ranked by U.S. News & World Report—the minister died in his office, with his erect penis only seconds away from ejaculating down his own throat.


“Reverend Falwell was the heart, soul, and conscience of this institution, and his loss is deeply, deeply felt,” remarked Jane Sutton, a spokesperson at Liberty. “In fact, his loss is as deeply felt as his wang, which the coroner tells us was buried a full three inches down his esophagus. It’s quite remarkable, really, that the reverend didn’t choke to death.”

The students at Liberty reiterated Sutton’s heartfelt bereavement, and expressed their sense of grief now that their patriarch’s passing has left them quite suddenly without a leader.

“He was so good at being, like, that blowhard bigot that reminded us all of our granddads,” reminisced sophomore Tim Dugan, who missed his afternoon classes for a prayer meeting upon receiving the sad news. “Who’s left to tell gays and unwed teenage moms how wrong they are, or quote the Bible out of context to further our agenda? Lord only knows. We can only pray that God sends us another white Southern male to offer this great nation his myopic interpretation of Scripture.”

Labels: Falwell, Jerry Falwell