National Nitwit

Guest editorial by Martin Weisslacker, consumer advocate

Ever look at a piece of Swiss cheese? I mean really look at it? Just what percentage of the total volume of Swiss cheese is empty space?

I've been doing a little calculating, and on the average, Swiss cheese is 14 percent air. That's 14 percent pure profit, my friends, and that's above the outrageous profits Swiss cheese makers are pulling in when compared to an All-American cheese like Velveeta. By the way - that Velveeta is the shit, brother. Melts like butter, and tastes like processed Heaven-on-Earth, if you ask me. And if you slap a chunk of Velveeta on apple pie and microwave it?

THAT is living, sir.

Sure, the Swiss bandits say that in late stage of cheese production, the P. shermani bacterium consumes the lactic acid excreted by the other bacteria, and releases carbon dioxide gas, which slowly forms the bubbles that make holes.

It's an all-natural process, the cheese makers argue.

A natural rip-off, if you ask me.

I bet there's not even any bacteria involved. My guess is they either drill out those holes, or they pour the liquid cheese into molds with little metal tubes that make it look like holes.

What's worse is that so many people just don't care about the Swiss cheese shortchange scam. I brought it up at a cocktail party last week, pointing it out to the hostess when she was making one of those cracker sandwiches with Swiss cheese and salami slices.

Bitch had the nerve to tell the bartender to cut me off. Go figure: Guy tells the truth, so he must be crazy or drunk.

Now, I'm not going to sit here and fool myself into thinking that I'm some kind of cheese messiah, but at the same time I think little guys need to stand up and demand all of our cheese. If they get away with this, pretty soon we'll only be getting half a gallon of gas, or six ounces of Budweiser in the bottle.

And I, for one, am tired of the big companies ripping off the little guy. Color me cheesed.

Labels: cheese, Swiss cheese