.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}

5/28/2007

Swiss Cheese: A Damned, Dirty Ripoff of Consumers

Guest editorial by Martin Weisslacker, consumer advocate

Ever look at a piece of Swiss cheese? I mean really look at it? Just what percentage of the total volume of Swiss cheese is empty space?

I've been doing a little calculating, and on the average, Swiss cheese is 14 percent air. That's 14 percent pure profit, my friends, and that's above the outrageous profits Swiss cheese makers are pulling in when compared to an All-American cheese like Velveeta. By the way - that Velveeta is the shit, brother. Melts like butter, and tastes like processed Heaven-on-Earth, if you ask me. And if you slap a chunk of Velveeta on apple pie and microwave it?

THAT is living, sir.

Sure, the Swiss bandits say that in late stage of cheese production, the P. shermani bacterium consumes the lactic acid excreted by the other bacteria, and releases carbon dioxide gas, which slowly forms the bubbles that make holes.

It's an all-natural process, the cheese makers argue.

A natural rip-off, if you ask me.

I bet there's not even any bacteria involved. My guess is they either drill out those holes, or they pour the liquid cheese into molds with little metal tubes that make it look like holes.

What's worse is that so many people just don't care about the Swiss cheese shortchange scam. I brought it up at a cocktail party last week, pointing it out to the hostess when she was making one of those cracker sandwiches with Swiss cheese and salami slices.

Bitch had the nerve to tell the bartender to cut me off. Go figure: Guy tells the truth, so he must be crazy or drunk.

Now, I'm not going to sit here and fool myself into thinking that I'm some kind of cheese messiah, but at the same time I think little guys need to stand up and demand all of our cheese. If they get away with this, pretty soon we'll only be getting half a gallon of gas, or six ounces of Budweiser in the bottle.

And I, for one, am tired of the big companies ripping off the little guy. Color me cheesed.

Labels: ,


Comments: Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link



<< Home
Copyright 2007, National Nitwit ® . Unauthorized duplication prohibited, but feel free to link away. This is a satirical newspaper, and many of these stories are fictional. You have to guess which ones are faked. National Nitwit ® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized, or when we post a real story. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Subcomandante Bob once got jiggy with your mom, and she does things in bed that would shock you, dude. The content of this website is the property of National Nitwit ® and its authors, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. National Nitwit® is not designed for readers under 18 years of age. FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, sustainable development, environmental, community and worker health, democracy, public disclosure, corporate accountability, and social justice issues, mostly because hot college women are also interested in the same issues. Go figure. Anyways, we believe this constitutes a "fair use" of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without fee or payment of any kind to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes, except when you are using it to get laid. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?