National Nitwit

(New York) Apple CEO Steve Jobs expressed a "rush of emotions" when he learned of the high level of initial orders for the company's new iEnema, a product that provides consumers with the first colonic irrigation device that also combines iPod and cell phone functions.

"I have to admit: my first thought was that this was like dumping millions of R&D right down the toilet," he said. "But after thinking about it in a deeper fashion, I realized that colonic patients don't have much else to do while waiting to expel the contents of their bowels after an enema."

The Apple iEnema includes a 2 megapixel camera, 8 GB of internal flash memory, and holds up to three quarts of enema solution. The iEnema also comes with a douche attachment for female users in need of vaginal freshening.

"We have already uploaded obvious song choices for consumers, like 'Shake Your Booty' and "Doin' Da Butt,'" noted Jobs. "But our ultimate goal is to provide the finest in audio and communications accessories for patients, especially those with chronic cases of fecal obstruction. If you are looking at several hours of bowel-stimulating enemas, you can pass the time listening to Nickelback or some other equally-purgative shlock."

Jobs added that the Apple iEnema comes with standard colon hydrotherapy accessories such as sanitary, disposable speculums and gravity-fed rectal tubes.

"But let's face facts: some users are sort of wild and freaky, and the iEnema is not just for colonic health," he chuckled. "So you can program Luther Vandross, pour yourself a glass of wine, and sit back and enjoy hours of orgasmic rectal saturation, immersing yourself in the heady sensation of intestinal void."

Labels: Apple, colonic, iEnema, iPhone