.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}

6/20/2007

I've About Had It With These Cock-Sucking Songbirds

Guest editorial by Man in Bed, Hungover

Sure, they're cute, and yes, they have pretty songs. On most mornings I would be sitting on the deck, latte in hand, and enjoy the music of the morning.

But I've got a hangover, and I've about had it with these cock-sucking songbirds.

If I could stand I would walk to the closet, grab my .22, and shoot every last one of those chirpy-ass bastards. Then I would cut the heads off their carcasses and run them through metal spikes, planting the bloody bird-heads around the house as a warning to any other motherfucking birds who might want to serenade me.

As it is, all I can do is lie here and puke in this Tupperware container as these goddamned avian devils torture me.

When I get better, I am going to buy a flamethrower and burn every fucking tree within 100 yards of my house, depriving these winged fuckers of a place to torment me. Then I am going to purchase a 55-gallon drum of industrial-strength rat poison and mix it with bird seed, so I can not only kill these Godless tweeters but also watch them scrunch up their tiny bird-eyes as the warfarin slowly induces fatal internal bleeding, and as they look up at me with their death-faces, I will hollowly laugh like a crazed, homeless quantum physicist.

Until then, you shit-eating winged bastards.

Labels: , ,


Comments:
Somebody seems to be just a teensy bit out-of-sorts this morning ;-)


Maybe if you puke your butthole out from behind your teeth, you'll feel a but better.

Either way, I know that I'll feel better just watching :-)
 
Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link



<< Home
Copyright 2007, National Nitwit ® . Unauthorized duplication prohibited, but feel free to link away. This is a satirical newspaper, and many of these stories are fictional. You have to guess which ones are faked. National Nitwit ® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized, or when we post a real story. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Subcomandante Bob once got jiggy with your mom, and she does things in bed that would shock you, dude. The content of this website is the property of National Nitwit ® and its authors, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. National Nitwit® is not designed for readers under 18 years of age. FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, sustainable development, environmental, community and worker health, democracy, public disclosure, corporate accountability, and social justice issues, mostly because hot college women are also interested in the same issues. Go figure. Anyways, we believe this constitutes a "fair use" of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without fee or payment of any kind to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes, except when you are using it to get laid. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?