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Kidnapped Hostage Paris Hilton Doing Well; Captors Release Video

Left: Still image of hostage Paris Hilton

(Los Angeles) Los Angeles militants have released the first video of celebrity Paris Hilton since she was kidnapped two days ago, during which the heiress said she was in good health and being well treated.

"First of all, my captors have treated me very well. They’ve fed me decently, there’s been no violence towards me at all, and I’m in fine health," said a pale Hilton, wearing an light grey jumpsuit and seated before a plain backdrop. "My merciful captors demand the release of political prisoners held in Los Angeles jails, and they would also like a 2008 Hummer. Those things kick ass."

There was no indication as to when the Internet video was produced, but Hilton at one point referred to "here in LA" and its debut marked a new round of international calls for her freedom.

Speaking from DC, President George W. Bush said that the United States was doing everything in its power to secure Hitlon's freedom.

"We are doing everything possible that we can to secure her release, and I hope we will be able to close this chapter in the next few weeks," he said. "I am asking the kidnappers to release her immediately because holding Paris Hilton does not help the South Central cause. Also, I totally dug Paris in that crazy sex video, and I'm hoping to see some more of that shit."

The militant group that claimed responsibility for the kidnapping, and which has posted the video on the Web, is referred to as the Army of Compton. Government officials said that the militants have threatened to bring harm to the wealthy Hilton.

"I believe the phrase they used was: 'turn her out like a five-dollar ho,' and I have no doubt they mean what they say," said a California official who spoke with National Nitwit reporters, requesting anonymity. "But Paris, she is so strong. If anyone could get through something like this, even if it lasted three months, even if it's longer, I think she would be able to stay psychologically strong. This woman is a survivor. No wait; that was another show. I mean this woman knows the simple life, and she is an inspiration to us all."

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