National Nitwit

Left: Still image of freed coke fiend Paris Hilton

(Los Angeles, CA) In what has been described as the end of a "long, dark nightmare," dozens of LA-area coke dealers expressed euphoria over the release of heiress and party girl Paris Hilton.

"Look - it's more than the fact that she can Hoover up eight to ten ounces of blow a week," said 'Tino,' a longtime pharmaceuticals rep to Hilton. "This chick has the ability to pay on time, and in cash, unlike certain **cough** Sizemore **cough** people I know. That, plus she doesn't try to screw you out of money with the old 'twenty-over-a-wad-of-ones' bullshit like a certain actress with the initials LL."

Dealers across the city noted sales increases of between thirty and fifty percent within hours of Hilton's release.

"Oh yeah - we are moving some serious Bolivian marching powder today, my friend," said 'Little G,' a fixture on the Hollywood party scene for over a decade. "We figure half is 'get out of jail' presents for Paris, while the other half is for clubbers who hope to get her stoned and nail her near the grease barrels out back of Club Les Deux."

Contacted by National Nitwit, sources in Columbia noted that production has been in "high gear" for two weeks to meet the pent-up demand.

"Without a doubt - there has definitely been a rebound effect from the 23 days Paris Hilton was locked up," said 'El Traficante,' a major cartel representative. "We saw a fifteen percent drop in wholesale prices right after they announced she was jailed, but we have more than made up for it with a near-doubling of prices in the last week. Hell, this puta alone can quaff up more flake than Robert Downey Jr. and Tony Montana on a three-week bender in a spider hole with a cell phone and an unlimited Platinum card."