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Listen - What's the Big Deal with Me Nailing Your Sister?

Dude who is all tore up A guest editorial by Patrick Holt, a man all tore up inside

Dude, we need to talk. The past month, man, you’ve been nothing but a jerk to me — ignoring my calls, making excuses why we can’t hang out, all kinds of weird shit. After all, we’ve been best friends since 8th grade! So with the NBA finals and summer break a-happenin', we gotta clear the air: what is the big deal with me nailing your sister?

I’ll be the first to admit my faults. I should have told you about this tryst back in September. Having you walk in while I was balls-deep in her syrup-covered anus was not the ideal way for you to discover this sensuous courtship. But it’s not like we’re in high school or anything. Tina is a fully grown and voluptuous 22-year-old woman, and she can totally decide for herself who she wants to blow in a ‘93 Corolla after nineteen hits from a beer bong.

But I digress. You’re her big brother; her ‘protector.’ I respect the hell out of that. Being an only child, I don’t know exactly how that primal urge feels, but I had a hamster named Sammy when I was nine, and I would have totally flipped the fuck out if anyone made him dress up like a Klingon to do the nasty.

When all is said and done, I hope you know how much I care about Tina, and that I would never do anything to hurt her. This is not some random fling. When she gives me that luminous smile of hers, her left eyelid pasted shut with my nut butter, her hair drenched in an unholy mixture of sweat, salsa, and Colt .45, I know we have something special.

So there’s no need to worry about your sister, bro—she’s in good hands.

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