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Makers of HeadOn Unveil New "AssOn" Fissure Relief

(New York) Flush with success from the appeal of their products HeadOn and ActivOn, Miralus Healthcare announced the release of new AssOn pain relief.

"Many acute anal fissures will heal spontaneously, but some fissures become chronic and will not heal, especially those related to rough anal sex," said Sigmoid Deferens, a spokesman for Miralus. "When you have a nagging fissure that interferes with anal sex, AssOn can bring instantaneous relief."

AssOn is a topical product intended for relief of such other disorders as anal abscesses, anal warts, and rectum-oriented sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), said Deferens.

"For those with a particularly athletic anal sex life, nothing interferes with sexual pleasure more than a burning case of anal gonorrhea," he said, pausing to itch his derriere. "Kegel exercises can help improve the tone of the outer sphincter muscle, but they are useless when you've got an open sore oozing just inside the rectum. It's either AssOn or morphine, pal, and personally? I want to be fully awake when some hot stud is pounding my ass like a phone pole in a Pomeranian, you know?"

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