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6/04/2007

Yankees Replace Torre with Retard to Counter Slump

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Sara Baxter: Fat, Retarded, Ready to Coach

(New York City)—After months of dismal performances and egotistical squabbling, the New York Yankees announced that long-time coach Joe Torre would be replaced effective immediately in a desperate move to “inspire some renewed passion for baseball.”

However, owner George Steinbrenner’s choice has struck many in the Yankees clubhouse—as well as long-time fans—as exceedingly peculiar, since he has elected an obese, mentally challenged twelve year-old girl for the job.

“Folks, it’s pretty simple,” Steinbrenner remarked off-handedly during a heated news conference earlier this morning. “We’ve got one of the worst records in baseball, are only a game or two ahead of the Devil Rays, and still have the highest paid athletes in all the majors. It seems to me, given the situation, that a goddamn retard could coach these boys back to .500 — so that’s what I did. I went out and hired a goddamn retard.”

Steinbrenner explained how he selected Sara Baxter, a native of Des Moines with only one season of tee ball under her belt, for this highly touted position.

“I know what you’re thinking,” Steinbrenner huffed. “Why Baxter? After all, she weighs 197 pounds, has no major league experience, and according to some recent tests, has the IQ of a mule drunk on paint thinner. But I’ll tell you why. These boys of mine have gotten arrogant, cocky, and need to remember there’s no ‘I’ in team. Maybe when they see this sad behemoth of a girl-child helming the bench, cackling with drool as she plays patty-cake with her imaginary friends, maybe then they’ll finally remember what this game is really about.”

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