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7/22/2007

Doctors Remove Five Aides from Bush's Colon

(Washington, DC) Doctors removed five presidential aides from President Bush's colon on Saturday, and "all were expendable," a White House spokesman said.

The aides were removed and sent to the National Naval Medical Center in Bethesda, Maryland, for routine examination, spokesman Scott Stanzel said.

"All of these workers appear to have survived their period of intestinal servitude in fine shape," Stanzel said. "We are now looking for replacements for these dedicated civil servants."

Physicians used "monitored anesthesia care," so the president was asleep during the procedure, but not as deeply unconscious as with a general anesthetic.

"Let's face it - removing a sycophantic aide wedged deep in your intestines is no simple matter," Stanzel said. "And this one intern, a College Republican from Yale, stubbornly refused to leave the President's colon, and had to be Tazered before doctors could remove him."

Stanzel said that Bush was in "good spirits" and had resumed executive power after a brief handover to Vice-President Dick Cheney.

"Dick is the next under the knife," he added. "Doctors worry that the Vice President might have a similar problem with defense contractor lobbyists. These suckers are especially difficult to remove, and we suspect Cheney's procedure will be much more extensive."

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