National Nitwit

Guest editorial by Cory Mitchell, young punk-ass

Dude, old geezers totally have it made. They can park in the closest spots at the mall, they get money in the mail every month (except when I raid my neighbor's mailbox for her SSI check), and they can scam the little kids on their block into cutting their grass for like $4.00 and a box of raisins.

I can't wait until I get to be an old bastard.

Think about it. When you are an old fucker, you can say whatever the hell you want, and people think it's "cute" or "colorful" or "crotchety." My grandpa was in line at the grocery store, and he saw these two gay dudes walk by, and he says in this really loud voice: "Jeeeee-zus Christ! I thought the Fruit-Loops were in the cereal aisle," and everybody laughed.

Even the faggots.

But me? If I'd have so much as winked at those rump rangers, there would have been a hundred rainbow scarf-wearing homos picketing outside my apartment, and the university Diversity Committee would have hauled me up on charges or something.

As an old bastard, you've got it going good, baby. People hold doors open for you, carry bags to your car, and maybe even feel a little guilty if they steal your shit. You think those crackheads who stole my TV felt sorry for me? Hell no! I'll bet they were laughing all the way to the pawn shop, and still having themselves a tweaky little chuckle as they smoked that $80 worth of crack they bought with my motherfucking 50" plasma.

But you bet your ass I am out there shoveling old Miss Reinhardt's driveway when it snows, although I admit I kinda owe her some scratch for those checks I heisted. The point is, old people are the bomb, and I just can't wait until some 20-year-old home health care babe comes by four times a day to wipe my ass and cook my soup while I watch newsreels about the rise of Nazi Germany. Mmmm-hmmmm!

Labels: crackheads, elderly, SSI