National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

John Forster: RIP, You Annoying Son of a Bitch

(Houston, TX)—As a brutal heat wave continues unabated throughout many parts of the United States, the residents of several major cities must endure both sweltering temperatures as well as their local “it’s not the heat, it’s the humidity” guy, who relishes this tired cliché with smug gratification.

But thankfully, the city of Houston has been relieved of their Humidity Guy, local mail carrier John Forster, 58, since he was beaten to death by a crowd of “totally pissed off pedestrians sweating their motherfucking balls off.”

“It was around lunchtime yesterday, and there’s this crowd of like, fifty people just jammed together waiting to use the crosswalk,” recounted Marge Sinclair, a Houston-area paralegal. “Most of us are just huffing and sighing, sweat rolling down in buckets, and then this retard feels the need to drop that ‘it’s the humidity’ line as if he’s Seinfeld or something. Next thing I knew, me and three other ladies were bashing his skull in with our high heels.”

And given the unique circumstances of Forster’s demise, the Houston Police Department has expressed no intention to press charges against this mob of sweltered passersby.

“Normally, when someone is beaten to death with shoes and briefcases on a city sidewalk, you bet your ass we prosecute under the full extent of the law,” explained Lieutenant James Tagbert. “But once a cursory investigation revealed that this bastard was the city’s Humidity Guy, we figured these folks had done a civic service. Granted, jabbing his dick with a letter opener was a bit much, but overall, he had it coming.”

Labels: heat wave, humidity, mail carriers, mailman, weather