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Nation's Poor Celebrate Belated Fourth with Discount Fireworks

(New York) Operating under a rubric of "better late than never," millions of impoverished Americans descended upon the nation's liquor stores and big box retailers to scoop up discounted fireworks.

Retailers contacted by National Nitwit reported brisk sales of leftover fireworks.

"I was moving shit that sat around on our shelves since 2004," noted Greg Shaheen, assistant manager of a Bronx RiteAid. "These poor bastards are walking out of here with bagloads of dusty fireworks. I even sold a couple dozen boxes of Christmas lights to some immigrants who believed me when I said they were 'electronic boom-boom makers.' Stupid schmucks."

While poor parents expressed relief that they would be able to provide at least some patriotic entertainment for their children, not everyone was happy with the odd-lot pyrotechnics.

"Man, this shit is lamer than a one-legged hurdler," said a dejected Brandon McCaffrey, 13, of Brooklyn. "I'm embarassed to even be seen with these stupid charcoal snakes and Snap-n-Pops. I might as well just tattoo the words 'FAGGOT-ASS' on my forehead. Dude, this is gayer than a duffel bag full of dicks. Fuck me."

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