National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Vick: Runs a 4.5-40, but can’t catch a motherfucking break

(Atlanta, GA)—As if the situation for Atlanta Falcons star quarterback Michael Vick seemed incapable of worsening after his indictment in a covert dog fighting ring, new allegations have surfaced that Vick is also deeply mired in an underground midget fighting racket, which pits helpless midgets against one another in gladiatorial combats to the death.

And while Vick himself is taking great pains to avoid public scrutiny or comment, his representatives are doing their best damage control to salvage what remains of his good-guy image.

“These most recent charges of illicit and savage midget fights, and the subsequent high-roller gambling on their outcomes, are ludicrous and in time will be proven to lack foundation,” remarked Vick’s agent Joel Segal in a written press statement earlier this morning. “At no time has Michael Vick ever watched two stumpy-legged midgets waddle drunkenly toward each other and trade gashes with box-cutters, or witnessed two girl midgets burn each other’s faces beyond recognition with lit torches. And certainly he has never profited from a rigged match where a dozen midgets were placed in a steel death cage and the lone survivor emerged only after strangling all others with a pair of Timberland boot laces.”

Left: Layin' it on the line for da little man

Nevertheless, these recent allegations have incensed those in the midget community, many of whom are calling for complete disclosure and immediate legal action.

“Vick’s true character is finally coming to light, and his degradation of little people is simply intolerable in a democracy that claims tolerance as a defining feature,” remarked Matt Roloff, dwarf activist and star of the TLC reality series “Little People, Big World.” “And if Mr. Vick was here right now, and I had a stepstool, and a few phonebooks, and maybe a broom handle to balance myself atop all that stuff, I’d tell him to his face how deplorable his actions truly are.”

Labels: Michael Vick, midgets, Mike Vick