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8/27/2007

Alberto Gonzales Resigns After Hearing of Owen Wilson Suicide Attempt

(Washington, DC) US Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, a close advisor of the President and one of the most controversial members of the Bush administration, resigned today after learning of the suicide attempt by actor Owen Wilson.

"Yesterday I met with President Bush and informed him of my decision to conclude my government service as attorney general of the United States effective as of September 17th, 2007," he said. "When I heard that Owen Wilson was rushed to the hospital after cutting his wrists and taking a bunch of pills to kill himself, I just couldn't stay on. I mean, that Zoolander was one funny movie, right? And with that crazy nose of his and all, who would have thought he could make it as an actor?"

The outgoing attorney general thanked President Bush for nominating him to the nation's highest Justice Department post.

"Public service is honorable and noble. And I am profoundly grateful to President Bush for his friendship and the many opportunities he has given me to serve the American people," said Gonzales. "Still, the idea that we might not get to see another Meet the Fockers with Owen Wilson is troubling, and it is important for me to be with my family during this crisis."

Gonzales, the Hispanic son of a construction worker, declared his solidarity with Wilson.

“Even my worst days as attorney general have been better than anything Owen Wilson has suffered, and I want to be there for him," he said. "Shanghai Noon and Shanghai Knights were important pieces of American culture. Where the hell did that nutty Jackie Chan come up with a nickname like "Maharaja of Nevada," anyways? That shit is just too much."

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