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John Mayer: Burgeoning Guitar-God or Poser Fag Douche?

A National Nitwit Investigative Report
By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Mayer: Heartfelt Licks or Corporate Dick?

(Los Angeles, CA)—Ever since his debut album Room For Squares premiered in 2001, John Mayer has puzzled critics and music aficionados alike. His sultry voice, impressive guitar chops, and sense of humor have garnered kudos, but his awkward tryst with Jessica Simpson and explicit desire for guitar-god status leave serious doubts concerning his artistry.

So the question remains: is John Mayer this generation’s Eric Clapton, or just another douche-bag pop singer who needs his face rearranged with a crowbar?

“Mayer is a curious case, that’s for sure,” remarked Rolling Stone editor Peter Travers. “On the one hand, he’s constantly pushed his music beyond the radio-friendly sound of ‘Your Body Is a Wonderland’ and ‘Daughters,’ but the guy also got Stevie Ray Vaughan inked on his bicep. Who the fuck does he think he is, Slash? So as far as I’m concerned, the jury’s still out.”

Kendra Jacobs, an internet radio consultant in Austin, Texas, reiterated Travers’ concerns.

“When Mayer first arrived on the scene, I was an instant fan,” Jacobs explained while thumbing through this week’s Billboard charts. “He wrote good tunes and had a catchy-but-safe adult contemporary sound. But then he tried to reinvent himself into some sort of Hendrix of Suburbia. What kind of rock star makes a Volkswagen commercial and dates Ms. Chicken of the Sea? Maybe he just has trouble keeping his dick in his pants, but I’m still waiting for a landmark album from the guy. Until then, he’s in the same category as Amy Winehouse and Ryan Adams: talented, but sketchy as a motherfucker.”

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