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Study Finds Lack of Wireless Coverage in Nation's Restroom Stalls

(New York) A nationwide survey of the nation's restrooms by Columbia University researchers discovered that there is an alarming lack of wireless signal availability, prompting calls by advocates for greater Internet accessibility.

"Look: I am a diehard multi-tasker, and the fifteen minutes I spend wrenching out a stubborn log is downtime I just can't afford," argued Poughkeepsie marketing rep Kevin Beeler. "A wireless signal in the john allows me to catch up on email and clients' orders, while allowing me to let a hunk of ass-loaf take its natural time to evacuate my bowels."

Philip Herole, a Manhattan banker, believes that universal washroom wireless has added benefits for employers.

"Say you have a really hot coworker who wears a short skirt and some sexy high heels. You can't get any work done with a raging stiffy, right?" he asked. "If you could take the laptop in the stall and fire off a few loaded rounds of love juice, you could get right back to work without wanting to bend her over the desk and get to tapping that tight ass. Probably cut down on sexual harassment suits, too."

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