National Nitwit

Upshaw: Dreaming of what might have been

(Minneapolis, MN) Craig Upshaw believes in the old adage that "some people have all the luck," and the unemployed mainframe programmer is today regretting his decision to take the 10th Avenue Bridge instead of the doomed Interstate 35W Bridge that collapsed on Wednesday.

"I usually take the I-35W bridge, but the ramp was backed up, so I kept driving to 10th Street," noted the suicidal Upshaw. "I could have been painlessly buried under 10 tons of concrete at the bottom of the Mississippi, but NO! Dumb old Craig was just in too much of a hurry to kill himself."

Upshaw said that his unfortunate choice of safe bridges was the first in a "series of stupid mistakes."

"So I finally get home, and I realize I forgot to pick up my bottle of Xanax at the pharmacy," he said of his chosen termination method. "Then I go back out and realize I locked my keys in the car. It's like, HELLO?!?!? Do you really want to die or what, Craig?"

Upshaw, who recently broke up with his longtime life partner Alex, said that he still plans to carry out his desire to kill himself.

"Oh, yeah. You know I'm totally going through with this," he said, eating an entire plate of chocolate chip cookies. "I’m so going to end it all, because I just can’t live like this anymore. Every time I look at one of his T-shirts, or a pair of his dirty underwear, or play our favorite movie, The Notebook, I just want to cry. Why couldn't I have been on that bridge? Maybe Alex would have recognized me up there and come to his senses. Maybe he never should have fucked that bartender at Wesley's Pub. Maybe I should have tried out for that off-Broadway production of The Fantasticks. Woulda, coulda, shoulda - my life is a litany of near-misses."

Labels: I-35, I-35 collapse, Minneapolis