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You Know What this War Needs? Some Goddamn Napalm!

A National Nitwit Guest Editorial
By Nathan “Buzz” Vople

For Vople, “Freedom Ain’t Free—You Gotta Kill People for It”

I’m a veteran who did two tours in Vietnam, so when it comes to this guerilla warfare over there in Iraq with them sand niggers, I know what the fuck I’m talking about.

And after four years of failures and setbacks, I’ve come up with the only viable solution for military success: we need to napalm these car-bombing towel heads back to the Stone Age.

For those of you who don’t know what napalm is, it’s an incinerating jelly-like substance that clings to whatever it contacts and burns at incredibly high temperatures. So that’s the dictionary definition for ya.

But back in ’69, after the Tet Offensive, when those slanty gooks ran at our boys like a bunch of crazed monkeys, this country finally grew a pair and elected Nixon who used napalm to burn most of Cambodia and Laos to the ground. Gotta fight fire with fire, no pun intended. You ever see a bunch of commie VC fleeing for their lives, totally regretting their allegiance to a failed political ideal? I have. And when their malnourished bodies fall to the ground, covered in flames and writhing in agony, you can bet your ass they aren’t praying to Ho Chi Min. Pal, that there is liberty on the march.

And I know we got a bunch of tofu munching liberal types in this country who think we need a regime change here at home, or need to stop throwing good money after bad, or simply need to bring these boys back and cut our losses, but these colors don’t run, you hear? The only time the stars and stripes have EVER run, at least that I know of, was back in ’88 when I got shit-faced on July 4th and fucked up tie-dying an Old Glory t-shirt. Damn thing ended up looking like a week-old maxi pad smeared with blueberries.

So to wrap things up here, napalm is the solution to this Iraq mess. Maybe if we burn these people’s homes, mosques, libraries, museums, post offices, farms, and schools to the ground, they’ll finally see how truly great democracy is.

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