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9/04/2007

Fat-Ass Attributes Lottery Win to Crackpot Wicca Faith

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Bartlett: Devout and Wealthy, with a Dome the Size of Neptune

(Nottingham, MD)— Maryland native Elwood “Bunky” Bartlett is one of the biggest lottery winners in state history, as he is one of only four in the entire nation to purchase a winning ticket in Friday’s Mega Millions jackpot, which was worth a staggering $330 million.

Like many lottery success stories, Bartlett is convinced that his faith was the sole reason he won. But unfortunately his religion is Wicca, a bullshit new-age amalgam of traditional pagan rituals and feel-good earthy platitudes that is more akin to a role-playing game than a valid form of worship.

“My wife and I swung into a liquor store for some post-lunch HoHos and on a whim decided to buy two $5 tickets,” explained Bartlett to a packed room of reporters. “And boom, here I am, looking at a quarter-share of $330 million. So I guess the only logical conclusion is that the Norse earth goddess Francinor escaped from the ice-fortress of Deleth, her evil twin brother, conquered him in a frightful battle of lightning bolts, and rained this fortune down upon me.”

Bartlett remarked that this huge influx of wealth would have little impact on his way of life.

“I know it sounds cheesy, but I’m a simple man, and I don’t see this money changing much,” he intoned. “I’ll still get up every morning, eat a dozen Hot Pockets, shop for vintage Dungeon & Dragons gear on eBay until suppertime and then hold my evening séances with Francinor. And since there aren’t any starving Wicca kids in Africa, I don’t have to feel guilty about hoarding the cash in shoe boxes under my bed.”

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