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9/20/2007

Frankie Muniz Still Looks Like That

A National Nitwit Investigative Report

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Muniz: Could Pass for a Middle School Hall Monitor

(Los Angeles, CA)—Frankie Muniz, the loveable child star of the long-running Fox hit “Malcolm in the Middle” and tweenie films such as “Agent Cody Banks” still looks like a prepubescent elf despite the fast-lane lifestyle of Hollywood stardom.

And with his 22nd birthday swiftly approaching in December, Muniz may ultimately resign himself to that sad cavalcade of ageless child stars that includes Ralph Macchio and Gary Coleman, among others.

“I’m sure this Muniz schmuck is enjoying the torrid escapades of a B-list celebrity, but oi, it must suck going through life looking like that,” remarked Saul Barowitz, a prominent casting director in the greater Los Angeles area. “I mean, can you imagine the poor whores who have to bang this guy every week? They must feel like they’re raping a hobbit every time they climb on top.”

Other Hollywood insiders echoed Barowitz’s analysis of Muniz’s career and dwindling career options.

“On average, I talk to seven different producers a day, and I can’t think of anybody who needs man-child to star opposite a talking dog right now,” explained Kathy Vermeer, an agent specializing in family films. “If Muniz had the acting chops of Leonardo DiCaprio, then sure, the world could wait a decade for his voice to drop and see the first signs of chin scruff. But as it stands…let’s just hope he invested that Malcolm money, because his ass could be doing a production of My Fair Lady in Scranton if he doesn’t grow a pair.”

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