National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Thompson: Calm, Collected, and as Witless as a Drunk Badger

(Washington, D.C.)—Fred Thompson, the former dark horse Senator and Law & Order star whose recent presidential candidacy has shaken the Republican party, make a shocking announcement this morning when he announced that a team of eight Jewish script writers would collectively serve as his vice presidential running mate.

“I know this may seem unprecedented,” Thompson calmly explained to a packed room of reporters in his warm Southern drawl. “But after great deliberation, and the realization that I say some pretty dumb shit when I go off-script, I’ve decided these Heeb writers are the best choice for my candidacy as well as the American people.”

Thompson, who served a nine-year stint as a Tennessee senator and has played District Attorney Arthur Branch on Law & Order for nearly half a decade, has drawn many warranted comparisons to Ronald Reagan.

Unlike Reagan, however, Thompson refuses to choose a single running mate, and his rogue tactics may prove unsettling for many conservative voters.

“I know what you’re thinking—this goes against tradition and the Constitution, yada yada. But I’ve got news for you,” Thompson intoned as he straightened his towering frame and shook his right fist. “If Al Qaeda strikes and one of these matzah-chomping Hofstra grads dies in the attack, there’s seven more just like ‘em. And they’re not gonna be sitting around pissing and whining like Al Gore. No sir. They’ll be writing my next great speech, getting my laundry, waxing my shoes, and maybe if time allows they can finish the sequel to The Hunt for Red October.”

Labels: Fred Thompson, Law and Order