National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Bukowski and Scooter: Hetero Life Partners

(Chicago, IL) K-9 Unit officer Rowland Bukowski has enjoyed an impeccable seven-year stint with the Chicago Police Department, and has been a shining example of professionalism and courage to many new recruits.

However, a growing contingency of his fellow veterans are starting to wonder if Bukowski is taking excessive credit for the exploits of his dog, Scooter, who is assuredly the best on the force.

“That dog brought down a huge coke bust last month, but to hear Bukowski tell it, he did it single-handed in slow-mo with his shirt off,” huffed Sgt. Kevin Pank. “If I hear that goddamn story about him tackling a perp one more time, I’m gonna puke blood. That kid was barely 17, and so whacked out he could barely slur his name.”

Other officers shared Pank’s fastidious disparagement.

“Before Bukowski had Scooter, he had this other dog, named King,” explained Officer James Thompson. “King was about as smart as an inbred Mennonite snorting Ajax. Needless to say, Bukowski had one of the worst records on the force. Then boom — he gets Scooter, and all of a sudden he’s like Judge Dredd up in this bitch.”

Thompson paused before offering an ironic anecdote of Bukowski’s ineptitude.

“I never thought I’d have to say this on the record, but Bukowski wouldn’t be shit without that pooch,” bemoaned Thompson. “A few weeks ago we served backup on this vice bust—pretty nasty place over on the South Side. Shots were blazing all around, and where’s Bukowski? Quivering in a corner while Scooter wrestles all these bad guys to the ground; fuckin’ Bukowski left his gun in his cruiser. I don’t have to tell you who was on the evening news that night.”

Labels: canine units, Chicago Police, K-9