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9/29/2007

Texas Serial Killer Sings Praises of Home Depot

(Dallas, TX) A Dallas-area serial killer, whose preparation for previous murders found him visiting multiple hardware stores, told reporters today that home improvement megastore Home Depot "flat-out puts the competition to shame."

Marshall Sheehan, of Plano, expressed his satisfaction with the international retailer.

"When I killed that housewife in Arlington last year, I had to go to five different places before I found the kind of tarp I wanted," he recalled. "A guy like me doesn't need that kind of face time, you know? Home Depot lets me get right in and right the hell out without getting noticed."

Sheehan said that the store's diverse inventory is also an important factor.

"A guy could wear himself out trying to cut femurs with the type of hacksaws or wood-cutter saws you get at most hardware stores," he said. "Home Depot has an excellent collection of heavy duty professional bone cutting saws with replaceable 18-1/2" blades that work beautifully, even on the most wriggly and uncooperative duct-taped victims."

Among the items Sheehan recently found in the 140,000-square foot Home Depot Supercenter were tanning supplies.

"They had this polymerized aluminum salt concoction that eliminated the problems associated with traditional tannins, like short shelf life and lack of skin stretch," he said. "After I carved up this real estate agent I kidnapped last month near McKinney, I couldn't believe the nice, white-colored skin that I wound up with. It had excellent stretch and was pliable, just perfect for mounting on my trophy wall. Bitch almost looked likelike, except for the fact that her head and torso were on opposite sides of the den. Heh."

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