.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}


Texas Serial Killer Sings Praises of Home Depot

(Dallas, TX) A Dallas-area serial killer, whose preparation for previous murders found him visiting multiple hardware stores, told reporters today that home improvement megastore Home Depot "flat-out puts the competition to shame."

Marshall Sheehan, of Plano, expressed his satisfaction with the international retailer.

"When I killed that housewife in Arlington last year, I had to go to five different places before I found the kind of tarp I wanted," he recalled. "A guy like me doesn't need that kind of face time, you know? Home Depot lets me get right in and right the hell out without getting noticed."

Sheehan said that the store's diverse inventory is also an important factor.

"A guy could wear himself out trying to cut femurs with the type of hacksaws or wood-cutter saws you get at most hardware stores," he said. "Home Depot has an excellent collection of heavy duty professional bone cutting saws with replaceable 18-1/2" blades that work beautifully, even on the most wriggly and uncooperative duct-taped victims."

Among the items Sheehan recently found in the 140,000-square foot Home Depot Supercenter were tanning supplies.

"They had this polymerized aluminum salt concoction that eliminated the problems associated with traditional tannins, like short shelf life and lack of skin stretch," he said. "After I carved up this real estate agent I kidnapped last month near McKinney, I couldn't believe the nice, white-colored skin that I wound up with. It had excellent stretch and was pliable, just perfect for mounting on my trophy wall. Bitch almost looked likelike, except for the fact that her head and torso were on opposite sides of the den. Heh."

Labels: , ,

Comments: Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home
Copyright 2007, National Nitwit ® . Unauthorized duplication prohibited, but feel free to link away. This is a satirical newspaper, and many of these stories are fictional. You have to guess which ones are faked. National Nitwit ® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized, or when we post a real story. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Subcomandante Bob once got jiggy with your mom, and she does things in bed that would shock you, dude. The content of this website is the property of National Nitwit ® and its authors, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. National Nitwit® is not designed for readers under 18 years of age. FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, sustainable development, environmental, community and worker health, democracy, public disclosure, corporate accountability, and social justice issues, mostly because hot college women are also interested in the same issues. Go figure. Anyways, we believe this constitutes a "fair use" of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without fee or payment of any kind to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes, except when you are using it to get laid. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?