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10/22/2007

David Copperfield to Fans: “This FBI Investigation is an Illusion”

A National Nitwit Special Report
By Billy Pilgrim, Rogue Editor

(Los Angeles)—Famed magician David Copperfield has become the center of a whirlwind FBI investigation in recent days that has resulted in the cancellation of his current tour and the seizure of millions of dollars in personal assets.

Copperfield: Can’t Keep Those Magic Hands to Himself

And while some claim the impetus is a rather serious allegation of sexual misconduct, Copperfield himself announced today that the entire legal inquest is, in fact, his most recent magical exhibition.

“Watch as the FBI seizes my passport and combs my hard drive for any shred of evidence,” Copperfield charismatically intoned during a press conference earlier this morning. “You can plainly see there is nothing up my sleeves, nor any wires or pulleys, and yet soon—quite soon, in fact—my reputation will be jeopardy once the details of this investigation hit newsstands. But know that this is all my doing! You are baring witness to the greatest magic trick the world has ever seen!”

Copperfield continued to emphatically explain how these seemingly detrimental charges of misconduct were actually a carefully orchestrated performance.

“Any magician can saw a woman in half, or make a flock of doves appear out of thin air,” Copperfield calmly reflected. “But it takes a magician of profound skill indeed to let the world witness his utter embarrassment and ridicule, only to be triumph in the end, and have the entire drama be an illusion of his own making! And think, not a single ticket sold! This entire show is free for the world to see, and I, David Copperfield, have made you all believe!”

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