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If Hitler Was Alive, He’d Be a Cowboys Fan

A National Nitwit Guest Editorial
By Frank O’Riley, Diehard Washington Redskins Fan

O’Riley: His Rosacea Matches His Burgundy Jersey

On Sunday, the greatest team to ever play the game of football — the Washington Redskins —
trounced the Detroit Lions 34-3 in an ass-pounding blowout. But there are some jagoffs out there who still think those soulless, cum-gurgling Cowboys and their golden boy Tony Romo are the NFC’s best team.

You know what, though? If Hitler was alive today, he’d be a Cowboys fan, and that would be just another reason to invade Europe and kick his Nazi ass all over again.

How do I know Hitler would be a Cowboys fan? Tons of reasons. For starters, the Cowboys have always played their brand of thug ball, just like those goose-stepping fuck-bags who threw all those innocent Jews into death camps and shit. Roger Staubach? Thug. Troy Aikman? Super Thug. Michael Irvin? Worst. Thug. Ever. I could just see that loud-mouth bastard gassing a whole room of naked shivering preteens without an ounce of remorse, because that’s how he played on the field every goddamn Sunday.

And don’t get me started on the Cowboys uniform. I mean, they have a star on their helmets for Chrissakes! They openly mock the Holocaust as if it never happened n’ shit. I mean, I’m no Jew, but c’mon…what kind of heartless scat-muncher plays four quarters of pigskin while simultaneously tainting the memory of twelve million mass-murder victims?

If Hitler was alive, he’d have season tickets on the fifty yard line, rooting for these mung-slurping hillbilly rejects every time they made a play. I can just see him now, with that little faggot mustache of his, screaming his crazy guttural German each time Romo wiggled his girlie ass up to the line of scrimmage to make another limp-wristed screen pass.

So week in and week out, I root for my ‘Skins, but I also root for whoever is playing the fucking Cowboys, because it’s not just about football—it’s about freedom, and Jesus, and whatever beer happens to be Dollar Draft of the Week.

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