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10/05/2007

With Impending Execution, Chemical Ali Regrets Shitty Nickname

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Ali: a My Chemical Romance Fan, Perhaps?

(Baghdad, Iraq)—Ali Hassan Abd al-Majid al-Tikriti, commonly known to Westerners as “Chemical Ali,” announced earlier this morning that he “utterly fucking regretted” his “retarded-ass nickname,” as his internationally-sanctioned execution for war crimes draws ever closer on Thursday, October 4.

The former Ba’athist Defense Minister—who was also a first cousin of Saddam Hussein’s—has been implicated in countless death squads and unconscionable political dealings, which have resulted in his impending hanging.

And yet, it seems Ali is most concerned with his nickname at this critical juncture in his swiftly-diminishing life.

“How many famous dictator underlings can you remember with bullshit nicknames like ‘Chemical’? I can tell you: fucking none, pal,” Ali bemoaned from his jail cell in an exclusive interview with the National Nitwit. “Sure, maybe it was cool a decade ago when I sounded like a rapper, but now it’s just straight-up lame. I mean, would [Nazi mastermind] Goebbels have ever gone by ‘Propaganda Joe,’ or [Marxist revolutionary] Trotsky let people call him ‘Commie Leon’?”

Ali continued to highlight how his legacy as a mass-murder and tyrant lapdog would be tarnished by his lack of a dignified moniker.

“You’d think after gassing a few thousand innocent civilians in my life, they could call me something cool, like ‘The Butcher of Basra’ or ‘Kurd Killer,’ but it looks like I’m stuck with this shitty shit,” Ali chided as the faint slap of solitaire drifted through the phone receiver. “I tell you what though—when they publish my private diaries years from now, the world will know all the great names I never had. And maybe, just maybe, history will know me as ‘The Tikrit Time Bomb’ after all.”

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