.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}

10/05/2007

With Impending Execution, Chemical Ali Regrets Shitty Nickname

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Ali: a My Chemical Romance Fan, Perhaps?

(Baghdad, Iraq)—Ali Hassan Abd al-Majid al-Tikriti, commonly known to Westerners as “Chemical Ali,” announced earlier this morning that he “utterly fucking regretted” his “retarded-ass nickname,” as his internationally-sanctioned execution for war crimes draws ever closer on Thursday, October 4.

The former Ba’athist Defense Minister—who was also a first cousin of Saddam Hussein’s—has been implicated in countless death squads and unconscionable political dealings, which have resulted in his impending hanging.

And yet, it seems Ali is most concerned with his nickname at this critical juncture in his swiftly-diminishing life.

“How many famous dictator underlings can you remember with bullshit nicknames like ‘Chemical’? I can tell you: fucking none, pal,” Ali bemoaned from his jail cell in an exclusive interview with the National Nitwit. “Sure, maybe it was cool a decade ago when I sounded like a rapper, but now it’s just straight-up lame. I mean, would [Nazi mastermind] Goebbels have ever gone by ‘Propaganda Joe,’ or [Marxist revolutionary] Trotsky let people call him ‘Commie Leon’?”

Ali continued to highlight how his legacy as a mass-murder and tyrant lapdog would be tarnished by his lack of a dignified moniker.

“You’d think after gassing a few thousand innocent civilians in my life, they could call me something cool, like ‘The Butcher of Basra’ or ‘Kurd Killer,’ but it looks like I’m stuck with this shitty shit,” Ali chided as the faint slap of solitaire drifted through the phone receiver. “I tell you what though—when they publish my private diaries years from now, the world will know all the great names I never had. And maybe, just maybe, history will know me as ‘The Tikrit Time Bomb’ after all.”

Labels: ,


# posted by Subcomandante Bob : 9:54 AM
Comments: Post a Comment



<< Home
Copyright 2007, National Nitwit ® . Unauthorized duplication prohibited, but feel free to link away. This is a satirical newspaper, and many of these stories are fictional. You have to guess which ones are faked. National Nitwit ® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized, or when we post a real story. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Subcomandante Bob once got jiggy with your mom, and she does things in bed that would shock you, dude. The content of this website is the property of National Nitwit ® and its authors, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. National Nitwit® is not designed for readers under 18 years of age. FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, sustainable development, environmental, community and worker health, democracy, public disclosure, corporate accountability, and social justice issues, mostly because hot college women are also interested in the same issues. Go figure. Anyways, we believe this constitutes a "fair use" of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without fee or payment of any kind to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes, except when you are using it to get laid. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?