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11/12/2007

Serial Killer Unhappy With Local Dumping Ordinances

(Dallas, TX) A Dallas-area serial killer, whose preferred method of victim disposal involves vacant lots, told reporters today that municipalities in the Dallas-Fort Worth area have created "uneccessarily restrictve ordinances" that unfairly target small entrepreneurs.

Marshall Sheehan, of Plano, conveyed his dissatisfaction with such laws to a small media gathering today.

"Council members claim that pollution is causing an increasing number of children to suffer asthma attacks. This connection, however, cannot be supported by any data," he said, motioning across the empty lot. "Politicians who make these claims are engaging in scaremongering simply to promote a political agenda, bringing economic harm to businessmen like me."

Sheehan argued that his "disposal business" is an integral part of the local economy.

"I remove unproductive elements from society, like hookers and homeless dudes, and recycle organic material back into the earth," he maintained. "And who else keeps local poducers of trash bags and bleach as busy as a serial killer?"

Sheehan added that many local businesses fear that restrictive pollution laws will saddle them with unachievable goals and ultimately drive businesses away, with jobs and money flowing to states and countries that do not "fleece the producers."

"These petty laws hhurt our state's global competitiveness, drive out businesses and jobs, and put our whole economy at risk for little to no benefit," he noted. "And contrary to popular belief, most small business owners are not exactly making a killing in their work. Heh. Killing. Kind of funny, that."

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