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11/21/2007

Study Finds Best Marriages Marked by Substance Abuse, Adultery

A National Nitwit Exclusive Report
By Billy Pilgrim, Rogue Editor

Newlywed Bliss: A Drug-Addled Sex-Crazed Lie

The results of a recent National Institute of Health study were released earlier this morning concerning the state of American marriages, and after surveying more than 10,000 couples, one truth has become undeniably clear.

The happiest couples are those that engage in habitual substance abuse and extramarital affairs.

“How ironic is it that our society champions communication and honesty, when really it is calculated deceit and manipulation that ensures longevity in the marital bond,” remarked Cynthia Pennett, a leading NIH spokesperson. “In fact, I’d be offended on a personal level if I didn’t believe the shit to be true myself—my husband has a coke habit and I’ve slept with three different co-workers in the back of my Accord, so yeah, this study is spot-on.”

Others in the medical field reiterated Pennett’s candid assessment of prolonged commitment.

“While most Americans believe they have a soul mate somewhere out there, very few actually marry that individual,” explained Dr. Dan Whittier, Professor of Psychology at Yale University. “Essentially, most of us end up marrying someone we like and respect, but that only gets you so far. For example, I truly love my wife Rebecca, but it takes two stiff bourbons every night just to get through her excruciating dinner banter. If I have to hear about Sasha—that gay mail guy at her office—and his whacky wardrobe one more fucking time, I’m going to hang myself in the shower.”

So as the first decade of the twenty-first century draws ever closer to its ultimate conclusion, it remains unclear what the future may hold for monogamous matrimony.

Foster: No Stranger to the Soothing Caress of a Lesbian Stranger

“My husband Joe ain’t a bad guy, but he smoke him some dope now and then,” remarked Keesha Foster, an administrative assistant in downtown Harlem. “But you know, sometimes when life really get me down, and things seem all bleak, I let that dike Melissa from the third floor finger me in the supply room, and that always make it easier to face the long drive home.”

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