.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}

11/21/2007

Study Finds Best Marriages Marked by Substance Abuse, Adultery

A National Nitwit Exclusive Report
By Billy Pilgrim, Rogue Editor


Newlywed Bliss: A Drug-Addled Sex-Crazed Lie


The results of a recent National Institute of Health study were released earlier this morning concerning the state of American marriages, and after surveying more than 10,000 couples, one truth has become undeniably clear.

The happiest couples are those that engage in habitual substance abuse and extramarital affairs.

“How ironic is it that our society champions communication and honesty, when really it is calculated deceit and manipulation that ensures longevity in the marital bond,” remarked Cynthia Pennett, a leading NIH spokesperson. “In fact, I’d be offended on a personal level if I didn’t believe the shit to be true myself—my husband has a coke habit and I’ve slept with three different co-workers in the back of my Accord, so yeah, this study is spot-on.”

Others in the medical field reiterated Pennett’s candid assessment of prolonged commitment.

“While most Americans believe they have a soul mate somewhere out there, very few actually marry that individual,” explained Dr. Dan Whittier, Professor of Psychology at Yale University. “Essentially, most of us end up marrying someone we like and respect, but that only gets you so far. For example, I truly love my wife Rebecca, but it takes two stiff bourbons every night just to get through her excruciating dinner banter. If I have to hear about Sasha—that gay mail guy at her office—and his whacky wardrobe one more fucking time, I’m going to hang myself in the shower.”

So as the first decade of the twenty-first century draws ever closer to its ultimate conclusion, it remains unclear what the future may hold for monogamous matrimony.

Foster: No Stranger to the Soothing Caress of a Lesbian Stranger

“My husband Joe ain’t a bad guy, but he smoke him some dope now and then,” remarked Keesha Foster, an administrative assistant in downtown Harlem. “But you know, sometimes when life really get me down, and things seem all bleak, I let that dike Melissa from the third floor finger me in the supply room, and that always make it easier to face the long drive home.”

Labels: ,


Comments: Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link



<< Home
Copyright 2007, National Nitwit ® . Unauthorized duplication prohibited, but feel free to link away. This is a satirical newspaper, and many of these stories are fictional. You have to guess which ones are faked. National Nitwit ® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized, or when we post a real story. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Subcomandante Bob once got jiggy with your mom, and she does things in bed that would shock you, dude. The content of this website is the property of National Nitwit ® and its authors, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. National Nitwit® is not designed for readers under 18 years of age. FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, sustainable development, environmental, community and worker health, democracy, public disclosure, corporate accountability, and social justice issues, mostly because hot college women are also interested in the same issues. Go figure. Anyways, we believe this constitutes a "fair use" of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without fee or payment of any kind to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes, except when you are using it to get laid. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?