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Verizon Guy Laments the Loss of His Soul

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Verizon Guy: Prays for Death Daily

(New York)—The bespectacled 30-something lad commonly known as “that Verizon guy” lamented the loss of his soul earlier this afternoon on a busy New York sidewalk.

Gene McCormack, 36, was an out-of-work actor before landing “a sweet-ass gig” as the anonymously coy Verizon pitchman, whose conspicuous placement in every televised ad for the cell giant has led, in no small part, to their utter dominance of the market.

But McCormack has grown increasingly sour with the idea of his face being synonymous with a corporate brand.

“You know, I can’t even buy milk anymore without some random fuck going ‘hey, you’re that Verizon guy, aren’t you?’” McCormack remarked while removing the lid from his freshly purchased coffee, hoping it would cool. “I always say, ‘yeah, that’s me,’ and then the conversation fizzles into a prolonged awkward pause, because we both realize I’m just a dude in a workman’s shirt who peddles cell phones in commercials, and occasionally offers a wry smile to the camera. It’s times like that I wish my Jew-bitch of a mother had an abortion.”

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