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12/23/2007

Frosty the Snowman Busted for Peddling Crack to Minors

A National Nitwit Exclusive Report
By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor


Frosty: A Drug-Addled Shadow of His Former Self


(Denver, CO)—A high-ranking source in the Denver Police Department has revealed exclusive details to the National Nitwit that show Frosty the Snowman, the once-hallowed Christmas icon, has been arrested on several narcotics charges and could face substantial jail time in 2008.

Some of the more dire allegations include possession of cocaine, marijuana, and methamphetamines; soliciting sex from an undercover police officer; spanking a rented mule within city limits; and perhaps most reviling, peddling crack in a drug-free school zone.

“This shit has gone on for too long,” screamed Theresa Miller, an exasperated parent in the Denver area. “All these celebrities act like they cares about our kids, and then boom: Britney turns out to be a nutcase, Mike Vick made dogs eat each other n’ shit, and now Frosty be gettin’ high with a bunch of fifth graders during recess. I tell you, the city of Denver can’t take much more of this. We done already lost Jake Plummer. Goddamn!”

Left: Corncob pipe won't work for this snow

Some critics of Christmas culture, however, say that Frosty’s downfall is part of a larger epidemic: the glorification of holiday myth.

“See, our society deifies characters such as Santa, Rudolph, and of course Frosty, but the legacy and limelight is almost impossible for them to live up to,” explained Dr. Frederich Numenbauer, a clinical psychologist specializing in the effects of fame. “They turn to sex, drugs, and spanking mules because it provides them, albeit fleetingly, a safety valve for all of their public anxieties. Or in layman’s terms, doing the same cartoon every Christmas for six decades will really fuck a snowman up.”

Like millions of Americans, Numenbauer must ultimately wait and see how this legal drama unfolds.

“I hope Frosty has some sort of spiritual reckoning, and spares the nation a long, embarrassing courtroom charade,” Numenbauer reflected. “Otherwise, much like the O.J. trial, we’re all going to eat dinner glued to our TV screens for months on end, hearing every obscene detail about how Frosty, while whacked out Quaaludes, spanked a rented mule on a downtown Denver street corner.”

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