National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Putin: A True OG, Straight Outta Kazan

(The Kremlin)—Russian president Vladimir Putin’s United Russia party won a massive parliamentary election Sunday morning, reestablishing his stranglehold on power in the shaky former Soviet Union.

Perhaps what is more significant, however, is Putin’s admittedly dubious leadership, which has allowed all manner of civil unrest, Mafioso crime syndicates, and cloak-and-dagger hits on oppositional voices to manifest on its watch, seemingly unchecked.

“You bitches seen the Godfather?” a tipsy Putin remarked on national television later Sunday afternoon. “Well, you illiterate vodka-swilling peasants might as well call my ass Brando, ‘cause I’ve consolidated power like a motherfucker. Holla.”

And while Mr. Putin’s constitutional term as president will conclude next spring, some pundits claim he has already begun his Stalin-esque campaign to remain in office indefinitely.

“I know, at least legally speaking, that my ass should step down n’ shit and become a CEO next year, content to spend my days bangin’ preteens from Siberia,” Putin further explained during his televised statement. “And yo, that would be aiiight if like, this motherfuckin’ nation didn’t need me to take the reigns so things didn’t get whack. But mark my words: whack be on the horizon, and I be the nigga to fuck its punk-ass up.”