National Nitwit

A Canadian study examining the video game sensation Guitar Hero scans has uncovered intriguing new evidence that users of the music video games are likely to commit acts of homosexual behavior with each other.

"Homoerotic behavior turns out to be found in nearly 90 percent of users, heightening not only normal sexual interest but homosexual interest too," said Saul Roksoff, a psychologist at the Canadian Sex Research Forum, who conducted the study. "Our findings support an association between faux guitar straddling and the phenomenon known as the 'circle jerk,' as well as suggesting an entire panoply of homosexual activities, including fisting, oral sex, and a curious activity known among afficianados as the 'Dirty Sanchez.'"

The Guitar Hero series was developed by Harmonix Music Systems between 2005 to 2007 before development of the series was transferred to Neversoft, whose first effort, Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock was released in October 2007.

"Guitar Hero has been shown to enhance arousal and erection," noted Roksoff. "It is also possible that a response to homosexual stimuli in these men is a function of the threat condition rather than sexual arousal per se. Still, there is a clear association between the upward-pointing plastic-guitar-as-phallus and some latent urge to publicly flog another dude's manmeat."

One Guitar Hero user, known to researchers only by the alias "Kyle," explained the mechanism behind the process of sexual preference transfer.

"Me and my dude were just jamming away to the Van Halen song "Panama" when all of a sudden I looked down and saw Nate with this huge woodage," he explained, looking away. "It was like... like... we just had to go down on each other, slobbering away on each other's cocks as David Lee Roth grunted: 'Pistons popping, aint no stopping now!' Crazy shit, mister."

Labels: Guitar Hero, homoerotic behavior