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2/01/2008

After Record Profits, Exxon Mobil Plans Hostile Takeover of Air

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Air: Another Resource Ripe for Plunder

(New York)—Exxon Mobil, the oft-despised gasoline behemoth, announced today that 2007 was a landmark year for profit, earning the corporation a staggering $40.6 billion due in large part to surging prices at the pump.

Yet high-ranking executives are not content with this short-term growth, and seem poised for the hostile takeover of another natural resource: Air.

“The buzz on Wall Street is that Exxon Mobil is in aggressive negotiations with God, Inc., and may begin a hostile takeover if those stubborn angels and archangels remain committed to their old business model,” explained Tim Reed, analyst for Energy Now!, a D.C.-area think-tank. “Sources close to the Big Guy—who remains charismatic, but largely a figurehead CEO—feel he’s powerless to stop the proceedings, so realistically Exxon Mobil could have the corner market on Air by 2010.”

And while a corporate monopoly on Air may be a startlingly apocalyptic notion for most Americans, Exxon Mobil feels that their insistent commandeering will ultimately improve the lives of their customers.

“Our service stations have sold Air for years to help thwart tire deflation, so this is just a logical extension of that product,” explained company spokesperson Gina Lee. “In fact, we’re already designing new merchandise, such as Bottled Air and Oxygen Speedpass, for those busy breathers on the go. In a few short years, Americans will laugh when they look back and realize how primitive unfiltered respiration truly is!”

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