.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}


After Record Profits, Exxon Mobil Plans Hostile Takeover of Air

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Air: Another Resource Ripe for Plunder

(New York)—Exxon Mobil, the oft-despised gasoline behemoth, announced today that 2007 was a landmark year for profit, earning the corporation a staggering $40.6 billion due in large part to surging prices at the pump.

Yet high-ranking executives are not content with this short-term growth, and seem poised for the hostile takeover of another natural resource: Air.

“The buzz on Wall Street is that Exxon Mobil is in aggressive negotiations with God, Inc., and may begin a hostile takeover if those stubborn angels and archangels remain committed to their old business model,” explained Tim Reed, analyst for Energy Now!, a D.C.-area think-tank. “Sources close to the Big Guy—who remains charismatic, but largely a figurehead CEO—feel he’s powerless to stop the proceedings, so realistically Exxon Mobil could have the corner market on Air by 2010.”

And while a corporate monopoly on Air may be a startlingly apocalyptic notion for most Americans, Exxon Mobil feels that their insistent commandeering will ultimately improve the lives of their customers.

“Our service stations have sold Air for years to help thwart tire deflation, so this is just a logical extension of that product,” explained company spokesperson Gina Lee. “In fact, we’re already designing new merchandise, such as Bottled Air and Oxygen Speedpass, for those busy breathers on the go. In a few short years, Americans will laugh when they look back and realize how primitive unfiltered respiration truly is!”

Labels: ,

Comments: Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home
Copyright 2007, National Nitwit ® . Unauthorized duplication prohibited, but feel free to link away. This is a satirical newspaper, and many of these stories are fictional. You have to guess which ones are faked. National Nitwit ® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized, or when we post a real story. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Subcomandante Bob once got jiggy with your mom, and she does things in bed that would shock you, dude. The content of this website is the property of National Nitwit ® and its authors, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. National Nitwit® is not designed for readers under 18 years of age. FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, sustainable development, environmental, community and worker health, democracy, public disclosure, corporate accountability, and social justice issues, mostly because hot college women are also interested in the same issues. Go figure. Anyways, we believe this constitutes a "fair use" of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without fee or payment of any kind to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes, except when you are using it to get laid. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?