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Nation's Squirrels Decry Psychotic Stereotypes

Left: Hyperactive, but not necessarily crazed

(Washington, DC) Representatives of the nation's estimated one billion squirrels gathered outside Congress today to protest the "demeaning and unfair" portrayal of the furry rodents in the media.

Worldwide Effort by Squirrels Against Negativity and Error (WESANE) pointed to last week's shooting on the campus of Northern Illinois University as evidence of the media bias against squirrels.

"In no less than 350 major media outlets was [shooter] Steven Kazmierczak described as 'squirrelly,' which reinforced the idea that members of the Sciuridae family are somehow a bunch of unstable, sociopathic killers," said Bucky Nuthall, a WESANE member. "We are fed up with these demeaning and misleading portrayals. Heck, last week I was hanging out in the park, and when I walked toward some little girl, she started screaming - screaming- because of me. It's bad enough that you people cross the street to avoid us, or make those insulting chuck-chuck-chuck noises at us all day."

Left: No semiautomatic weapons here, no sir

Nuthall added that group members have faced "considerable discrimination" in housing, employment, and health care.

"Ever see the Humane Society show up for a wounded squirrel? I thought not," he said, pausing to scratch behind his ear. "Rat poison in our nests, kids taking potshots at us with BB guns: we got it rough, y'all. And what's with trying to put barbed wire on your bird feeders? Listen - you put the food out, so we should have equal access to the shit, right? I thought that bigotry and Jim Crow died in the 1960s, but it seems that both are alive and well."

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