National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Her Holiness Angrily Awaiting Her Latte and Dry Cleaning

(New York)—Publishing giant Random House announced this morning that a new, tell-all biography of Mother Theresa will hit bookstores this summer, and is certain to cause controversy due to its claim that the hallowed nun was, in fact, “an epic diva bitch-face.”

Its author, the always-controversial author Christopher Hitchens, argues quite vociferously that Mother Theresa cared little for the poor, but rather used the international spotlight to further her own ego and political agenda.

“Theresa helped many people, surely, but what was never mentioned in the press was her total cunt attitude while she did it,” remarked Hitchens during an exclusive phone interview with the National Nitwit. “There is irrefutable documentary evidence of her spitting in soup kitchen meals, infesting blankets with fleas…the list goes on. Hell, one Indian man I interviewed said this supposed saint told him he should’ve been a blowjob—swallowed rather than born. Quite heartless stuff, really.”

Hitchens also decried Mother Theresa’s supposedly humanitarian motives, and insisted that they were, in fact, self-serving.

“The woman simply wanted more Catholics in the world, case closed,” Hitchens claimed in his affected British accent. “As an atheist, I can tell you her only motivation in opposing abortion was so more wriggling infants screeched into this world as good papists rather than as Hindis or Jews or regular old Protestant gutter-trash. And since I make a living by writing such outlandish biographies, I can assure potential readers that I am a wholly objective, secular authority on this woman’s dismal life.”