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2/29/2008

Recent Poll of Pollsters Reveals Major Flaws in Polling

A National Nitwit Exclusive Report
By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

American Partisanship: The Jigsaw Puzzle from Hell

(Washington, D.C.)—A recent poll of key U.S. pollsters such as the Associated Press, CNN, and MSNBC other esteemed organizations has startlingly exposed that political polls have been grossly inaccurate and, at best, misrepresentative of voting trends in recent months.

“It’s really quite atrocious,” remarked Dr. Wilson McDermitt, a research analyst with ABC News. “These Obama-Clinton polls have been ridiculously off-course…I mean, she’ll be lucky to have tampon money, let alone a congressional career when this embarrassment of a campaign is over. Thank god someone took the time to poll us pollsters about these atrocious polls.”

And while speculation runs rampant as to what exactly is the root cause of polling inaccuracies, the central problem for pollsters is simple: people lie.

“Dude, people don’t only lie, they fuck with polls on purpose,” explained a smirking Ian Glaser, a communications executive for Knight Ridder News. “And who can blame them? Imagine it’s 18 degrees outside, you’re late for a lunch meeting, and some egghead Ivy-leaguer starts asking you what brand peanut butter you buy and whether or not you believe greenhouse gasses are contributing to global warming. You just yell the first name that comes to mind—McCain! Obama! Huckafuck!—and get the hell out of there. So of course when they tally the real votes a week later it’s radically different. Asking an American to be honest about politics is like asking a Great Dane to shit in a litterbox.”

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