National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Clemens: Pious as a Schoolgirl in Pigtails

(Washington, D.C.)—Roger Clemens, the virtuoso MLB pitcher whose years of excellence have sadly led to a heated debate about his alleged steroid use, testified today before a House oversight committee.

What was remarkable, however, was that not only did Clemens deny using Human Growth Hormone (HGH), but he also denied ever committing an immoral deed in his entire life.

“I appreciate the intensity and vigor of this investigation, but will continue to fiercely assert that I have never knowingly used a banned substance,” Clemens vehemently remarked during today’s testimony. “But I would also like to add, since I’m under oath, that I have never farted, engaged in unprotected sex with a minor, placed a bet on a street fight, thrown fistfuls of change into a hotel pool from the seventeenth floor while drunk, spanked a hooker’s ass with a live albacore tuna, or ejaculated into a Christmas card and mailed it to my neighborhood synagogue.”

Clemens’s tenacious defense of his good name continued in rollicking filibuster fashion as an obvious attempt to salvage his reputation.

“Again, let me deny the use of any illicit enhancement that would alter my performance on or off the field,” Clemens boomed. “And while we’re on the subject, not once have I ever picked my nose at a stoplight, beaten a midget with a pool cue, flown to South America for a weekend coke binge, spat in the bacon bits at an Applebee’s salad bar, left an unflushed shit stewing in an airplane bathroom, or let a cat lick melted Parisian chocolate from my testicles. I can only pray that, in time, this investigation will clear my good name.”

Labels: Roger Clemens, steroids