National Nitwit

Guest editorial
by Harold Morley, custodian and cultural analyst

First you had your horse whisperers, who help fix horses that turned vicious and crazy due to abuse or trauma or kids poking them with pointy sticks. Then you got your dog whisperers, who rehabilitate and restore calm to freaky dogs with major problems. These people know their stuff, and your Robert Redfords and Cesar Millans work regular miracles, if you ask me.

So, given his nutty-ass behavior, I think what O.J. Simpson needs is what you might call an "O.J. Whisperer."

An O.J. Whisperer could be there after O.J. gets all wired up on a couple of grams of high-grade Bolivian marching powder, cooing and petting him when he's getting all paranoid and violent and bitch-slappy and stuff. An O.J. Whisperer would recognize when O.J. pins his ears back, bares his teeth, and starts exhibiting telltale danger signs, like rearing back or screaming or charging.

The Whisperer could calm O.J. down before he kills someone, and maybe Nicole Brown Simpson would still be alive if there had been an O.J. Whisperer, you know?

Perhaps an O.J. whisperer could calm this misunderstood stallion

Maybe the O.J. Whisperer could train O.J. like they do with pack dogs. The Whisperer could give O.J. the sorts of rules, boundaries and limitations to establish himself as a good pack leader, and help correct and control unwanted behaviors, what you call your "positive training." The Whisperer would know that an O.J. needs a calm, assertive pack leader to keep him in line.

If that doesn't work, they could always try one of those 24-volt shock collars for O.J. When O.J. misbehaves, like if he starts feeling up some barmaid or pulling a gun on some guy in the Seven-11 parking lot, you could zap him and give him a quick: "BAD O.J.!"

Just do it with a rolled-up newspaper, for extra reinforcement.