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3/10/2008

Spitzer to Nation: “Sorry I Was Nabbed for an Almost-Fuck”

A National Nitwit Breaking Report
By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor


Spitzer: Wished He Got His Rocks Off


(New York)—Earlier this afternoon New York Governor Eliot Spitzer apologized for his involvement in a torrid prostitution ring, which has, among other things, produced wiretap evidence of his solicitation.

And while the governor’s political future still remains vastly uncertain, Spitzer used the national spotlight to offer a somewhat bizarre apology: he lamented not having actually engaged in sexual intercourse with a prostitute before his guilt was made public.

“Let me apologize first and foremost to that whore I never had the good fortune to meet, because I certainly would have raw-dogged her balloon knot,” Spitzer read from a brief statement before a swarm of reporters. “I know this has been an excruciatingly trying time for my wife and family, but I deeply lament this admittance of guilt knowing that I never actually watched this gutter-slut gargle my mayonnaise after a long night of snorting China White.”

Spitzer continued to outline the graphic sexual acts he would have preferred to apologize for rather than this mere implication.

“And true, while I admit that my involvement in a request for paid sex acts is nefarious at best, I would much rather have been caught balls-deep in some nameless Puerto Rican girl’s snatch while she writhed and slobbered on a stained motel mattress,” a teary-eyed Spitzer huffed. “Perhaps had I done that, and then subsequently gotten a blow-job in my State House chambers, all this moral fallout would feel somehow deserved.”

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