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4/12/2008

Amish Harness Holsteins for Green Fuel, Bovine Love

Special to National Nitwit via syndicate contributor Sparky News Network

(Lancaster, PA) Amish inventor Zeke Ackerman has come up the ultimate "green" automobile and truck fuel. Pat Simpson's garage up the road from the Amish farm recently started modifying existing engines to run on the new fuel.

When SNN asked Ackerman what this new energy source was, the squinty-eyed farmer spat and uttered a one-word reply: "Milk."

Neighbor Harold Hansen has been running his tractor with Simpson's modified engine on milk for the last six months.

"It runs pretty well," observed Hansen, "but homogenized seems to let it run smoother. No more curd in the carburetor, but you still have that fresh-baby-puke stench to deal with. Udderly nauseating, I say. Heh - get it? Udderly? I kill me."

Zeke and his farming neighbors are now cashing in on the new fuel, as well as buying up all the Holsteins at the local auction.

"It's just more economical, since the cost of a gallon of gasoline is now surpassing the cost of a gallon of milk," noted Hansen. "Plus, I don't have to run to the Circle-K anymore when the wife is squawking about needing a gallon of milk. I just give her a quick smack upside the head and point her to the truck's fuel tank. She shuts the hell up, I get to finish my tankard of ale - it's win-win-win, if you ask me."

Ackerman described the pre- and post-production processes associated with "bovine green" fuel.

"We've just taken it one step further. Instead of trying to produce ethanol with the hay and corn we just feed it directly to the cows and produce milk," added Ackerman. "And, what comes out of the "tailpipe" of the cow we now recycle as fertilizer, which grows more corn and hay. Nothing gets wasted in the process, since the kids also use the heifer's methane for a quick round of huffing out behind the shed. Little fucker's get all blue in the face and pass out - now THAT's some funny shit, brother."

Energy production also remains a local industry, proponents noted.

"The milk is being produced right here in Lancaster and we're not going to be dependent on foreign oil anymore," Hansen noted. "We're also hoping to harness post-partum women into the mammary grid. Some of the brethren's wives keep them teats a-squirting non-stop 20 years in a row or more."

The Amish historically eschew technology, but it is no surprise that the innovative Mennoite sect invented such a potentially world-changing fuel. Ackerman himself still drives a horse-and-buggy and, when asked if he was going to upgrade to a modified car, Zeke demured.

"I'm never giving up Old Betsy here," he said, pausing to fondly caress the horse's ample flank. "Besides, winters can get mighty cold, if you know what I mean. A feller can get mighty lonesome in a January chill, is all I'm saying."

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