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4/28/2008

Fraternity Prank Shuts Down Railroad

Special to the National Nitwit by Sparky News Network

(Jamaica, NY) (SNN) At a hastily called news conference this morning, the MTA and the NTSB announced that their initial investigation has determined the cause of Thursday's derailment at Jamaica station. NTSB spokesman K. C. Jones said there was a catastrophic failure of the wheels to maintain stability and remain on the tracks.

The derailment was due to some 100,000 marbles that were thrown on the tracks. Jones stated that several boys were seen running from the end of the platform shortly before the accident. Witnesses said the boys were jumping up and down on the station platform gleefully screaming, “they’re gonna hit, they’re gonna hit!"

The juvenile suspects were wearing black sweatshirts with a bell shaped symbol on the back and the letters "LLDD." on the front. Investigators quickly determined that the perpetrators were from the Lama Lama Ding Dongs fraternity at nearby Strayber College.

When interviewed by SNN, Dean Otto Vonschlamer stated that he wasn't surprised the fraternity was involved and that the Ding Dongs were already on "double secret" probation. It seems the students were returning back to Strayber from an all-night strippers party when the incident happened.

When investigators gave Vonschlamer the boy’s descriptions, he immediately said, "Pluto, Scrounger, Mustang, Beaver and Toon" were the culprits. Pounder admitted that he bought the marbles at a local Selmart and threw them onto the tracks.

The derailment shut down service on the mainline and stranded ten thousand commuters. Three M-6 commuter cars and 300 feet of track were destroyed and the LIRR estimated the damage to be $4 million. 19 people were removed from the last two cars of the Huntington train which derailed in a slow speed collision with the last car of the Hempstead train. No one was injured and service was returned to normal Friday morning.

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