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4/03/2008

I Sure Wish Peter Coyote Would Narrate My Divorce

A National Nitwit Guest Editorial
By Stan Holden, Bear Stearns Vice President


The Holden Divorce: Like the Winter at Valley Forge

I knew the day would come when my succubus cunt of a wife would divorce me if I ever lost my job at Bear Stearns in some corporate shenanigans, and damn if that day didn’t come. And among America’s national bantering about recession and government bailouts, the real story—that of a lowly V.P. from Boston who makes a meager $5.7 million a year and gets taken to the cleaners by his trophy wife—is lost along the way.

That’s why I want smooth-voiced Hollywood legend Peter Coyote to narrate my divorce for a PBS special.

You probably know Peter Coyote from his many films—E.T., Patch Adams, and Erin Brockovich are among his best. But if you’ve ever caught yourself on your fifth Captain and Coke say, around 2 a.m., utterly enraptured by a History Channel documentary on Greek arrowheads or Abraham Lincoln’s constipation, the reason was probably due to ol’ Peter’s grizzled yet responsive timbre.

Peter Coyote: The Voice of PBS & Basic Cable

In fact, I can hear him even now, talking about my humble go-getter years, slaving away as a paralegal in college and struggling for corporate acceptance because I went to Emerson instead of Cambridge. And then meeting Linda, but there would be that eerie foreshadowing when Peter described our picture-perfect wedding, as if, like, after the commercial break everyone would know that she was going to break my heart with her pill popping and shoe addiction and then she leaves for her mother’s cabin in Rochester right when I need her most because my company is in the crapper.

Goodness. I’m getting teary-eyed just thinking how Peter Coyote would narrate my life, my survival, just like that Panamanian tree frog I saw him talk about last week on the Discovery Channel. Yes sir, Mr. Coyote, Stan Holden is your next project—only your voice could do this divorce justice.

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