.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}


Nihilist Celebrates Earth Day by Hastening Earth’s Demise

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Wythe: Dripping With CFCs and Pretense

(Los Angeles, CA)—For over forty years, Americans have spent April 22—Earth Day—doing their part to reduce pollution and promote eco-awareness.

That is, of course, with exception of Roland Wythe, an L.A. nihilist who celebrates his own version of Earth Day by wasting a plethora of natural and man-made resources to hasten the demise of life on our fragile planet.

“First thing I did this morning—even before downing a can of Full Throttle—was start my Geo Tracker and let that bitch idle in my driveway with its cracked catalytic converter just pumping exhaust fucking everywhere,” Wythe bragged while painting his fingernails a menacing charcoal. “Then I let the water run for half an hour before showering up and heading to Kinko’s. You’d be amazed how many photocopies of BELIEVE IN NOTHING you can get for sixteen bucks.”

Wythe continued to highlight his afternoon of amoral revelry.

“After lunch, of course, is when things got really interesting,” Wythe explained. “I bought a carton of Camels for some middle school kids, raided the recycle bin behind 7-11, and then for my grand finale, stole 37 bottles of Lysol from Wal-Mart. Lined ‘em up in the parking lot and shot each one with my pellet gun like they were a bunch of fucking terrorists. Yeah, I know I could’ve gone to jail and stuff, but I’m like, totally committed to my belief in not believing in stuff.”

Labels: ,

Comments: Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home
Copyright 2007, National Nitwit ® . Unauthorized duplication prohibited, but feel free to link away. This is a satirical newspaper, and many of these stories are fictional. You have to guess which ones are faked. National Nitwit ® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized, or when we post a real story. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Subcomandante Bob once got jiggy with your mom, and she does things in bed that would shock you, dude. The content of this website is the property of National Nitwit ® and its authors, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. National Nitwit® is not designed for readers under 18 years of age. FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, sustainable development, environmental, community and worker health, democracy, public disclosure, corporate accountability, and social justice issues, mostly because hot college women are also interested in the same issues. Go figure. Anyways, we believe this constitutes a "fair use" of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without fee or payment of any kind to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes, except when you are using it to get laid. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?