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4/23/2008

Nihilist Celebrates Earth Day by Hastening Earth’s Demise

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Wythe: Dripping With CFCs and Pretense

(Los Angeles, CA)—For over forty years, Americans have spent April 22—Earth Day—doing their part to reduce pollution and promote eco-awareness.

That is, of course, with exception of Roland Wythe, an L.A. nihilist who celebrates his own version of Earth Day by wasting a plethora of natural and man-made resources to hasten the demise of life on our fragile planet.

“First thing I did this morning—even before downing a can of Full Throttle—was start my Geo Tracker and let that bitch idle in my driveway with its cracked catalytic converter just pumping exhaust fucking everywhere,” Wythe bragged while painting his fingernails a menacing charcoal. “Then I let the water run for half an hour before showering up and heading to Kinko’s. You’d be amazed how many photocopies of BELIEVE IN NOTHING you can get for sixteen bucks.”

Wythe continued to highlight his afternoon of amoral revelry.

“After lunch, of course, is when things got really interesting,” Wythe explained. “I bought a carton of Camels for some middle school kids, raided the recycle bin behind 7-11, and then for my grand finale, stole 37 bottles of Lysol from Wal-Mart. Lined ‘em up in the parking lot and shot each one with my pellet gun like they were a bunch of fucking terrorists. Yeah, I know I could’ve gone to jail and stuff, but I’m like, totally committed to my belief in not believing in stuff.”

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