National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Abbott: Ready to Slaughter Some Darkies

(Washington, D.C.)—Reginald Abbott, 13-year veteran of the friendly skies, made a casual announcement earlier this afternoon to friends and colleagues that he is anxiously awaiting his international flight to the Darfur region of Sudan—which is still the site of dire conflict and social unrest—so he can “get in on some old-fashioned people butchering.”

“Well Billy, the idea came to me some years ago when I was in counseling again for my road rage and penchant for blacking out on Quaaludes,” Abbott explained while loading a thirty-round clip for his assault rifle. “There I was, talking to another mindless shrink, and it hit me like a bolt of lightning: why not wait until the airline sends me to some shit-ass African nation where I could just go berserk on the natives, then whore and booze myself into oblivion?”

Abbott outlined his plan for post-colonial colonialism.

“You know, in the 18th and 19th centuries, European powers really decimated the third world, what with the pillaging and raping and depletion of natural resources,” Abbott opined. “But seeing as I’m a white American who makes over a hundred grand a year and looks good in uniform, you could say I’m the 21st century equivalent of a colonial opportunist. So if I can just get this gun past customs by citing the Patriot Act, I’m in business. By the way, do you have any quinine or condoms? I’m trying to stock up before the trip.”