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5/24/2008

Kennedy to Treat Tumor With Regimen of Booze, Whoring

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Kennedy: Holistic Medicine? More Like Hangover Medicine

Senator Ted Kennedy, the most vocal and iconic leaders of the Democratic Party in our nation’s Congress, has made a stunning announcement about his plans to fight an inopperable brain tumor: he vows to “screw and booze myself to recovery.”

“This is a vital moment for me and my family, having endured so much hardship and tragedy throughout our decades of public service,” Kennedy intoned during a recent press conference. “So rather than throwing in the proverbial towel, or slinking away from the harsh rigors of civic life, I have instead chosen to maintain a steady diet of Boston hookers and Jim Beam until this tumor releases me from its chilly grasp, or I die as a byproduct of my own treatment. Really, I’m cool with whatever comes first.”

So as liberal and conservative voters anxiously await news of the senator’s dogged improvement, it remains clear that his questionably torrid behavior is his best chance to overcome this deplorable ailment.

“The doctors tell me chemotherapy is an option, but at best it’ll give me six more months, so fuck that,” Kennedy candidly expressed. “They think I’m gonna start drinking V8 and going to mass on Tuesdays to hear Father McMullen gab about the virtues of chastity? Nigga please. Mark my words: when this tumor is confronted with a naked 19-year old creative writing major from Emerson, her titties aglistening with Crown Royal, it’ll think twice about killing my ass. There’s guff left in this old Mick bastard yet.”

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