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5/11/2008

Nation to Blow Surplus Checks on Seafood, Frivolity

A National Nitwit Exclusive Report

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor


As millions of working and middle-class Americans anxiously await their economic stimulus checks from the federal government, an uncanny idealism permeates our national discourse. Perhaps folks will use these funds to reduce their family’s debt load, or boost domestic manufacturing, or even reinvigorate our nation’s crumbling automotive industry, and thus salvage our economy from the proverbial crapper.

Instead, it seems that most Americans have one and only one plan for this money: to blow it as fast as possible on seafood, gambling, and other transitory pleasures.

“Dude, my wife and I are getting a combined total of $1,200, and we’ve already made plans for the day that shit shows up,” explained Rick Gangle, a sanitation engineer in Wilmington, Delaware. “We’re both taking two days’ worth of sick leave, gorging ourselves at Red Lobster, and then blowing the rest at Dover Downs on ponies and slots. I mean, sure, we could try to pay down our credit cards, but…fuck that. Capital One is already getting 20% APR a month—those bastards aren’t taking away my fried-shrimp-and-Heineken binge.”

Rebate Check: Burning Holes in Motherfucking Pockets Before it Even Arrives

Other potential recipients reiterated Gangle’s restless anticipation, as they had similar intentions for their funds.

“I’m a single mother of two, so some of that shit need to buy my girls new sneakers for the summer,” rationalized Clarita Johnson, an administrative assistant in Washington, D.C. “But this baby-momma gonna get hers, too, goddamn it. I’m buying a case of Zima, about $300 in scratch-offs, and eating me some fine-ass crabcakes with Dominique from accounts payable while the kids are at their father’s for the weekend. One of these days I’m gonna hit me that big money, so Mr. Willingford can collate his own shit-sucking reports!”

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